Connecting Hearts

Esraa

I’m trying to make up for all the weeks missed, so here is another one for the books.  On June 20th, I went on the most unforgettable journey to my homeland of Egypt with my best friend and co-writer of this blog, Anwar Mustafa. It was a real blessing that our parents let us embark on this adventure together; I was beyond excited to share my country with my Palestinian sister. If I’m honest, and I rather am with these blogs, I need to admit that I never really wanted to go to Egypt again.

When we visited, years ago, I didn’t connect with my cousins, which left Egypt an undesirable place to go. Because I never grew up Egyptian, the culture was peculiar and unsettling to me, and that left inadequate memories in my head. As a daughter of an Imam, you experience so many different cultures every day, so it’s hard to associate with just one. My parents raised us on one culture; the culture of Islam. I have an issue with cultural rulings in general, they are so judgmental and limiting; I’ll leave that for another blog.

Growing up, it was easy to throw the blame on my family for my dislike towards Egypt. I felt that they were not welcoming, they made us feel like outsiders. Simple little things, like wanting to eat with a spoon rather than my hands, left me with assumptions. At times, the way I spoke lead to judgmental comments about whether I worded or said something “correctly.”  What they didn’t know was that I spoke many Arabic dialects, so some words I said, weren’t typical Egyptian, and… well, I never explained that.

I was holding onto memories of things that happened when I was 7, 12, 15, and 17. I was a grown adult now, so were my cousins, surely we can all start a new page. Though I was very hesitant in going, I decided that this could be a great thing, a chance to put away the past and connect our hearts.

Before I went, I reached out to family that I only speak to during Eid. To my surprise, our interests were quite similar and we could relate to each other more than I had expected. My excitement to visit Egypt started to grow, but I was still a little weary. They didn’t seem to like me over there, but I had to admit the blame fell on my shoulders as well. When I felt uncomfortable I did either of two things: I’m either extremely reserved that it may come off as standoffish or I crack jokes and be a goofball to break the tension. The latter is something I started to do in recent years when I took an active decision to bring down my walls and allow people to know me. Since my family only experienced the first part, how could I continue to blame them for something I was at fault for?

The week before my travel, I took a long walk and decided that I would erase all those memories, I would enter my homeland after five years with an open heart and a clear mind. I would get to know my family on a more personal note, rather than the quick visits we had, that left us with no everlasting bond.

This decision is a choice I will always happily look back at with many amazing memories to cherish. I am pleased to say that I was wrong, I needed to wipe the gray lenses I was always looking through when it came to Egypt. I had to start seeing it with kinder eyes and connect with a gentler heart. So many misunderstandings were cleared up, and the breathtaking memories were to replace the ones that kept me away for all this time. I was actively aware of making sure they got to know who the real me was. No pretenses, no acting like something I wasn’t. If I spoke a weird way, I asked what the proper way to say it was; I learned. If I did something that they didn’t understand I explained my view and took in theirs. Having Anwar, was truly a blessing, for I saw my family through her eyes. The gentle manner they treated her, the love, and acceptance made me honored to call them family.  I fell in love with Egypt, its people, streets, dialect, and rich history. I may not always understand everything, I may always be a little different, but this year I looked beyond that. This year I connected my heart to my family and my land. Now I message them, we even FaceTime, and it’s not awkward or weird anymore. It’s actually quite nice. I have always longed for that, a connection with my family, but I wasn’t doing anything to change it.  I learned that in life we choose how we see things, we decide to accept or to ignore, we choose to love or to hate. It’s all up to us, so let us make the choices that will let us enjoy life to its fullest.​

​