The Light

Esra

I don’t think I have complained about grad school before in one of my blogs, or maybe I have. Anyway, I hate it, its eating away my soul. Amidst all the insanity going on in my life I find peace in my written word. I’ve written and rewritten this blog a total of four times. This one is about the closure. Every time I wrote it a part of me let go, it seemed so petty to hold on to something that in reality probably wasn’t even worth the energy. Thus, the fifth go around I decided to write it from a different perspective of finding the blessings within the atrocity.

This piece is a sequence to my previous blog “Mirror Mirror” an in-depth part of how this new outlook on my life developed. The wakeup calls in a sense.

I can sit here and tell you about how much shit went on in my life, but who cares? We all have our issues. What makes me different than the next person?

It’s these downfalls and hardships that build us! We have the choice in allowing it to eat us alive and pull us down, or we can choose to overthrow and rise above. Six years of a complete blur came to an end when I finally just had enough. The moment I was sincere with myself was when I admitted my weaknesses and faults. When I finally looked at the coldness in my heart. The moment I was finally ready to stop making excuses for everything, the moment to be selfish and say you know what screw the world its time you face your inner demons. I could no longer hide behind the image of “Bent el-Sheikh.” I no longer wanted the responsibility of MSA president. I no longer wanted to pretend I was pursuing a career path I hated. Done. All that needed to end, but where to start?

I can tell you about all the garbage that went on with being MSA president. The amount of my life I gave up. The lies that spread, my character wrongfully accused. The friendship I lost. However, as I wrote and rewrote I faced the reality that this was a choice I made, I placed myself here. Who the hell was I complaining too? That little part of me that wanted to be angry and write it all just no longer cared. The moment I left MSA, my life began. I no longer care what happened before, all those events only lead me to where I am now. Just another chapter in the book. The page has turned.

I’m overall proud of the work done in MSA, and to have been a part of that is forever honorable. MSA Alumni and proud. This experience, however, was one I reflected upon for two years, I grew from it and discovered my weaknesses as a leader and acknowledged my strengths.

So, the blessing amidst the atrocity? Honestly way too many to even count! I can’t even truly focus on the bad when I start to think of how much good came from this. It was the first time I remember just not caring anymore about the consequences my actions had on others. It was a selfish, driven move and I loved it. It was about damn time. With MSA behind me, I had my last semester of college to get through, and I wanted out of Cleveland. I welcomed the move to Pittsburgh; I distanced myself from everyone wanting for once to just figure out what I was doing, and where my future was heading. I was on a momentum of self-driven moves, ready to talk to my parents and just be free of all that I hid behind. I wanted to leave all these titles; I couldn’t expect people to see Esraa as just Esraa when she didn’t even know which identity she held! I had to strip myself of it all. I saw things so differently when I just threw that all behind me. I didn’t want to act a certain way anymore or constrain my identity. No one was physically placing this on me it was all mental.

The first blessing in this was all the new connections I made, staying away from the same circle of people I had interacted with for years allowed me to get to know people I rarely ever spoke to. People that have touched my life and heart in such simple, beautiful ways, while the connection was fleeting it was substantial in my journey.

A betrayal from someone I once called a good friend led me to shut down, be angry, and hurt, however now it allowed me to appreciate and value those in my life who have stuck through the bad and ugly. It took me a long time to let go of that hurt I felt, it was such a big turning point in my life, but I couldn’t allow something to have this much control over me. I hated the feeling in my heart; I wanted to let go, I tried to move on, it wasn’t worth all these emotions I felt. I spoke to many about this, wanting to hear that one answer that would let me move on, but I was never reaching closure. It kept creeping into my heart, till eventually, I asked my father. “How can I let go of this anger I feel towards someone I once loved? How can I forgive a hurt that left such an impact?” He looked at me and said “Esraa, have you ever done something in your life that you want God to forgive. If Allah can forgive us with no regard how can we humans not forgive one another when we fault. Forgiving doesn’t mean you need to welcome this person back In your life. Its the ability to let go and forgive so, in turn, Allah forgives you.” He told me about the story of Wahshee the then slave who killed Hamza the Uncle of the Prophet Mohamed PBUH, who later entered Islam, and the prophet forgave him for the killing of his uncle. However, the prophet was human, and he didn’t want the reminder every time he saw Wahshee, so he asked him to leave the city and live elsewhere. This precisely was the issue! I tried to forgive, and I had, but I kept thinking that for me to truly forgive and move on I had to get back to a place with this person like I was before! The reason was why I was having difficulty letting go of my anger was because I didn’t want them in my life anymore. With the story of Wahshee, I learned that I could forgive and move on without welcoming that back in my life. At that moment, it all seemed too natural, like I needed just to hear that, and I let go. The burden of this in my heart melted away. I feel like every time I overcame something a part of me was freed, and it’s hella refreshing.

While this was difficult for a long time, it broke my sense of trust and caused me to push away people I cared about, eventually it made me see the blessings of the friends that have become family. It was something I took for granted; I didn’t appreciate them until that distance between us was vast and they were no longer just there. Being in Pittsburgh gave me time to evaluate the last couple years in my life, and I slowly started to reconnect with people that I had unjustly turned away and neglected in my path to self-discovery.

The most critical blessing in turning away from MSA, the titles, and the positions was the discovery of my voice. The ability to stand up for my choices, to finally and honestly vocalize what I wanted to do and be. The power to finally say no, to choose me over something else. That one choice to stop hiding behind responsibilities that weren’t beneficial to me freed me to all the greatness awaiting. The main issue was that I lacked self-worth, self-love, and self-respect because I didn’t like the person I was becoming. But what was I doing about it? It was time to face my demons; it was time to admit my weaknesses, it was time to use my strengths to my advantage. It was time Esraa gave time for her, cared for her, loved her, and it was time to place all that energy I exhausted on other things in me. Who are we lying to when we continue down a path of self-destruction? Who are we harming?

While this year of my undergrad was challenging, I went through so many trails, but I was able to overcome that darkness, and now I see it all as blessings. For so long I wanted to focus on the bad that happened I was overlooking all the good. I am who I am today mainly because of that year. I learned self-love, appreciation for people that matter, the value of time, and respect for my health and well-being. I learned that it was ok to be different, that I didn’t have to be defined by a title. I discovered that real beauty was in the blessings we overlooked. That sometimes darkness can be light. That with all difficulty is ease. That Forgiveness is a gift we all wish to receive. To live on this earth as a person who is humble in character, loving in nature, and respectful in manner. It wasn’t about how much you do, the titles you earned, or the honors that are given. It wasn’t all about all the people you know, or the connections made. It was all about that moment when for the first time I looked at all that had passed; the good bad and ugly and smiled, knowing that all that difficulty somehow has led to this inner peace and happiness I feel within my soul. So this.. this is closure. That dark chapter in my life is no longer that, I’ve decided to turn on the light and keep it glowing baby. In the wise words of Albus Dumbledore “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.”